Dina's story

I remember standing in shul last Rosh Hashanah and trying really hard to connect to Hashem and have kavanah in the davening. I cannot say if I succeded, because this year has been different than I could have possibly imagined. I was recently reminded that everything that has happened this past year was decreed last Rosh Hashanah, and that decree was sealed on Yom Kippur.

We are about forty days from this coming Rosh Hashanah as I write this. I've been thinking a lot lately about this past year, and here are some of my thoughts. I would love to hear yours in return.

This time last year, I was working in a dead-end easy job, for which I had stopped receiving any payment. I was, obviously, looking for something new. Right before Rosh Hashanah, I went for a job interview for a position that I thought would be a good fit for me. I remember sitting outside the building, davening that if this was the right job, Hashem should guide me that I would see that it was. Well, I got the job. It lasted for three months. I started working on erev Yom Kippur. I lost that job around Chanukah time. Truth be told, I was uncomfortable there and ended up doing a different job than the one I had applied for. It was all min haShamayim.

During my time working at this job, I did my first IVF cycle – with retrieval and transfer. I also went to two weddings of very close friends of mine. One of these friends was 31 at the time, and I was so excited to be able to dance at her wedding – because I hadn't done my transfer yet! What a brachah that was. We have been friends since seminary, and it was such a simchah! Two weeks later, a day after my transfer and right around the time I knew I was getting fired, I went to another wedding! At this wedding, I didn't dance but I was so happy to be there. I got fired not long after that wedding, but this, too, was from Shamayim.

On the eve of the fifth night of Chanukah, my father's yahrtzeit, I found out I was pregnant. To say I was excited is an understatement. Sadly, this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage about a month later. I was only six-and-a-half weeks along at the time. When I found out I was expecting, I felt such joy. It was an incredible feeling. When I miscarried, oh, what pain I felt – and guilt. Baruch Hashem, thank you, Hashem, for the amazing compassionate staff of Shaare Tzedek Hospital, who referred me to a counseling center that dealt with infertility and miscarriages!

At the same time, one of my best friends got engaged, and because I was in Yershulayim recovering from my miscarriage, I was able to be at her l’chaim. This, too, was hashgachah pratis, because I would end up missing her vort and wedding.

February was actually quiet. Besides for my looking for a job and getting ready for Purim, my husband and I didn't do much. I am one of those people who loves to give out mishaloch manos! So, I used that time off to start baking and cooking for them.

I did another cycle in Adar. I was so filled with hope, for mishenichnas Adar marbim b'simchah! But this transfer did not take. My husband and I celebrated our anniversary right before Purim. I don't remember that we did anything super special, but that was okay. It was still a simchah to have another year of a successful marriage.

We celebrated a beautiful Purim seudah with our community before Israel went into coronavirus lockdown. The Sunday after Purim, I got a phone call from my brother that my mother had been niftar over Shabbos in the states. This came as a huge surprise to me. I had just spoken with her on Thursday after Purim to wish her a good Shabbos. She sounded good when we spoke a little worried about the new virus Corona that seemed to be coming. But even in this situation, I was quite lucky, for while Israel was getting closer and closer to a complete lockdown, we were still able to travel. I chose not to go to the funeral, with coronavirus running rampant in New York and Israel. It just didn't seem like a good idea. I was able to travel to my brother’s home in Beit Meir and sit shivah with him there and watch the funeral over Zoom. This, too, was a comfort and a blessing.

On the way to my brother's house to sit shivah with him, my husband left his hat on the bus. We tried during the week of shivah to contact the bus company to see if it had been turned in – to no avail. But this, too, was a brachah.

During the shivah, my best friend got married. I was unable to attend her wedding because I was in aveilus, but mutual friends got us together over WhatsApp video so I could wish her a mazal tov!

And about the hat that my husband left on the bus…when we got on the bus to return home the Sunday after shivah, it was the same bus we had gone to Yerushalayim on, and my husband's hat was sitting right where he left it! What hashgachah!

We returned home to a different world than the one we had left. At this point, Israel was almost at full lockdown, and people were isolating themselves at home. Soon, there would be no more indoor minyanim – if there were minyanim at all. Yet there was a brachah in this, too. Because the world was shutdown, I no longer felt the pressure to find a new job, and my family stepped in to help us out. It also gave me time to process everything that had happened in the past few months.

During this time, my husband and I got ready for Pesach – for making our own Seder for the first time ever. While it’s true we didn't have the nicest Seder plate or any children at our Seder, what a beautiful Seder it was, with lots of divrei Torah, and no pressure. Minyanim were still illegal at this point, so my husband was davening at home for the most part. Baruch Hashem, I had made Pesach before, so I wasn't without experience and dishes.

Over the next month, my husband I did lots of puzzles and we enjoyed the low-pressured time. I made chavrusas and participated in online shiurim. We couldn't do a cycle, as the clinics were closed. Baruch Hashem, we were able to do a cycle again when they reopened after a negative coronavirus test. I did my cycle, and the day I went for bloodwork to find out if I was pregnant, my husband and I went away for the day! We went to Tiberias! What a beautiful day we had together, davening, lunch, boating, and a walk around the city!

We were, baruch Hashem, expecting once again, but the numbers were iffy…so I had to do the test again two days later…then five days later…then a week. We were not successful with this pregnancy either. It also, sadly, ended in a miscarriage.

I had not yet found a new job, but there was a brachah in that, too, for I was able to take the time I needed to pass the miscarriage and recover. Physically, this miscarriage was a lot easier to cope with than the first one. Emotionally, it was much harder.

We tried again straight away, without success. It was the most unusual cycle I had done to date. There was no mashgichah present, for the clinic was not allowing it. It was only two weeks since I had passed the miscarriage that they did another transfer.

During all this, I had been sending out resumes, and I went to a few job interviews – all without success. I was told during the Nine Days that a company wanted to hire me. Baruch Hashem, I got a new job. As we are taking a break from cycling, I am now able to focus on my job and try to get up to speed with it.

We hope to go on a vacation soon, but that's not the point. My point is that for all the tragedies I have suffered and Klal Yisrael has suffered, there has been a lot of simchah.

I know of six weddings this year – two in the same family!

May Rosh Hashanah this year see the overturning of the tragic gezeiros against Klal Yisrael, and may we all see our own personal yeshuos!

I invite you to join me in finding the good that has happened over the past year!

***

As I sit down to write the following paragraphs, a full year has passed since I originally wrote my story. We did go on a mini-vacation before Rosh Hashanah last year. We bought our own Sukkah, and we made it on our roof. We watched as Israel and the world struggled to contain the coronavirus. We lived through two more lockdowns, and we got vaccinated.

My husband and I went away to Tzfat last year before Rosh Hashanah. We had a great time. We went for Shabbos and stayed until Monday morning. We stayed in a beautiful tzimmer in the artists’ quarter. We went to daven in Meron and at the kever of Nachman Ish Gam Zu. We got to do some shopping and dined out. It was just what we needed: a chance to get away and refresh, so to speak, before the New Year.

I don’t really remember my davening this past Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. It was a very different experience than I was used to, as our shul rented a bigger space, and everyone was masked. I remember the stares of the people around me. I imagine that they were wondering about me, thinking about me, and hopefully, davening for me. I also remember getting my period on Yom Kippur. My community was lucky that minyanim were allowed up to a certain number of people. My husband and I were also very lucky that we did not get corona.

Corona had been raging on and off since March, around the world and in Eretz Yisrael. We had been through one extremely strict lockdown from before Pesach until around Shavous. The government eased up on the restrictions during the summer, for a few months—until the number of cases rose again. Then another lockdown was enforced. The truth is that the lockdowns were annoying, but after the first one, they were almost like a joke to the majority of the population. Besides the mask mandate and people not being able to have guests, life was fairly normal for anyone who was not ill or high risk. Schools were kind of open—or at least, they operated via Zoom—which was annoying for parents, especially as they still had to work. This did not affect me personally, but I understood that it was annoying for most people.

Sukkos was an interesting experience for me. You see, I had come down with a sinus infection and bronchitis. It was very hard to cook for Yom Tov, since I wasn’t able to smell anything. Yet it was a lot of fun. We finally bought our own Sukkah. In the past, we had borrowed from our friends, but as they needed to use it that year, it was time to buy our own. Because we live in building that is not part of the community eruv, we built our Sukkah on the roof. But the only way to get to it was through a window! I climbed up a ladder…over a windowsill…and down another ladder to get to our Sukkah. But truth be told, there was something quite nice about it. In our building, most of the people do not identify as religious Jews, so by building the Sukkah on our roof, we didn’t have to deal with the exhaust fumes of people’s cars or watching people be mechallel Shabbos. There were also not as many bugs as there would’ve been if we had built it in the parking lot—because there were no garbage cans. It was a beautiful Sukkos overall.

After Sukkos, we got ready to cycle again, but we first decided to see a hematologist to make sure that I did not have any blood clotting disorders. Baruch Hashem, I do not—but it took quite a few months for all the tests to come back. We did another retrieval in the meantime, as I had no more frozen embryos. Baruch Hashem, we managed to get a similar amount to freeze as we did our first time. We did another transfer sometime in January.

Oh my…what a nerve-wracking experience that was! Baruch Hashem, I got pregnant again, but this time, I started experiencing anxiety attacks. I attribute the frequency of these attacks to the level of hormones I was taking. I must admit, though, that the weekly blood tests to check my hormone levels did not help. Baruch Hashem, my numbers all looked good. I even felt a little bit pregnant. I was very sore in all the right places, and I constantly had reflux. We were so excited—everything looked good! During this time, a close friend reached out to me for advice regarding a miscarriage. Sadly, she miscarried before Purim. I was happy to be able to help. That is why I am sharing my story. If I can be of help to anyone, then why not?

Israel was slowly coming out of corona, but very slowly. As the Health Ministry did their best to make vaccines mandatory, my husband and I celebrated our anniversary with pizza and a few gifts. I painted him a sign that says You make me smile! Painting and learning were lifesavers during this time, because they gave me other things to think about. Since I was still in aveilus, my husband was not yet allowed to get me gifts, and I was not allowed to give out more than the minimum misholach manot. We had our Purim seudah at a different place than usual, as our usual Purim seudah did not happen this year. All in all, it was a very surreal experience. My husband got vaccinated, and people had recovered from corona and did not keep the restrictions anymore.

Right after Purim, we went for our first ultrasound. I was about 7.5 weeks along at this point. The ultrasound did not show good news, as the baby was not the right size for my dates! This was such a confusing and stressful week. As the doctor was not sure of what would happen, he told us to come back in a week. That week was so hard. I wasn’t sure if I was pregnant or what was going to happen. All I wanted was a healthy baby. It was so hard not to give up hope and to keep davening. Plus, I was dealing with matters for my mother’s estate, and everyone was waiting on me to get the paperwork back to them. This included me shlepping to Yershulayim and back in one morning. We did not tell them what was going on during this time. It was a very stressful time period for us.

We went back a week later, only to be told that we would need to have a miscarriage as the baby had not grown during this time. We went to the hospital in Hadera, but they were not impressed and sent us home. We tried getting eitzah from Rav Chaim. If I remember correctly, we were told to wait. Well, by the time that information got back to us, I had already started to bleed. The first few days, I was in agony. By the time I saw the gynecologist a few days later, the pain was already much more manageable, though it would come and go in waves. The gynecologist prescribed me pills to help the miscarriage along. It was very hard for me to take the pills as I felt like I was killing my baby. In any case, I did something that was not the smartest move I ever made—I took those pills the same day I got my first corona vaccine.

Before you start to yell at me here, I specifically asked the gynecologist if I could take the vaccine while taking the pills and having a miscarriage, and he said it was fine. Well, I ended up in Laniado’s women’s emergency room that night because I had become very lightheaded for about an hour after a hot bath. We called the emergency nurses and they said I should go to the hospital. We chose Laniado because our good friend was working the night shift as a nurse on one of the wards and would be able to help us. One of my husband’s rebbeim borrowed a car, drove us to the hospital, and also gave us money for a taxi home in case we needed it. Mi kamocha am Yisrael! My husband was not allowed in the emergency room with me. The doctors put my dizziness down to the vaccine, and they gave me IV fluids and acamol. I was not bleeding very heavily during my time in the emergency room. The doctor asked me if I wanted a D&C. I answered “Only if I need it.” The hospital discharged me after a few hours, and our friend found us a couple of empty beds that we could sleep in until her shift was over. At that point, she drove us home.

Now back to the pills from the gynecologist…I really did not want to take them, for I felt like I was killing any chance my baby had of surviving. But the doctor did feel that I needed them. I honestly do not know how much they helped or harmed me. I bled for a full month and three days with this miscarriage from the day I started bleeding. It was an extremely hard time, both physically and emotionally. This was my third miscarriage, and it seemed to be neverending. All I wanted was a hug from my husband, and I was unable to have one.

All this took place after Purim and all the way through Pesach. Baruch Hashem for my amazing husband, who basically cleaned our kitchen and living room for Pesach. I was able to help a little bit, but than I would get cramps or run out of energy and end up back on the couch. Baruch Hashem, we were invited out for the Pesach Seder and the Shabbos preceding it to my Rebbetzin in Yerushalayim. I do not think that I would have been up to making a Seder this year. They even found us our own apartment to sleep in!

Baruch Hashem, I was feeling better (though I was still bleeding), but I felt well enough to go visit friends of ours like we had done in past years. I was able to host my niece for dinner that night (full disclosure: She did most of the cooking—she said she missed it). After Pesach, I finally got the all clear from the doctor, Baruch Hashem. We then asked when we should expect our next cycle to start, as I wanted to go away for a few days. Baruch Hashem, we found a lovely apartment in Ashkelon that is rented out to couples who are experiencing primary infertility for a reasonable price. It was a beautiful apartment, with two huge porches. It was also within easy walking distance of the beach, the national park, and the mall, and it had a supermarket right downstairs! Baruch Hashem, we went the week before war broke out in Israel, and we had a lovely time.

I was told that I would need to wait a minimum of two months from the time I finished bleeding before trying again. In the meantime, I saw an endocrinologist for the first time, and I went on a diet and exercise program. Baruch Hashem, I have seen good results from this diet. And Baruch Hashem, the results of the blood tests the endocrinologist ordered came back clear of any issues!

There was also quite a few simchos that took place as well: four out of the six people I know who got married during corona had their first babies. Quite a few people who were seriously ill with corona recovered completely. There are many more good things I can tell you that happened over this past year, but that could take up a whole story of its own if I were to go into each and every thing.

It has also been a year of tragedies for Klal Yisrael, but I do think that those tragedies are bringing people closer together. People have started learning about Avahas Yisrael and learning that we can all respect each other and see the good in people and life. Yes, it has been an incredibly difficult two years for me. I still struggle with the same old issues, but I keep trying, and I keep going.

The most important thing is to know that even with all difficulties that I have gone through over the past two years, I can still see the good in life. It’s important to remember that everything that has been happening is for the good, even if we don’t see it or understand why. We must trust that everything is for the best.

- Dina Weber (Guest blogger)