Hope lost

-Dina Weber, Guest blogger

How do I explain that i’m all mixed up

For you see I never knew you

I never even got to hear your heartbeat

All I had was hope

Hope that the next one would take

That hope was dashed when it didn’t take

Then I had hope again

But you didn’t grow enough for me to even hear your heartbeat

Yet it’s still a loss

Then before I knew it we tried again

With our last two, we davened

We asked for brachas

But it was not meant to be

How do I explain that I cannot hold on any longer

I don’t have the strength to say Tov L hedos or Gam Zu L tova

This is the season of grief and tears

I am so filled with grief

For even though there was never a baby

I hoped that these would make it

That hope was killed

For I will be fasting this tish a b av

My grief is nothing compared to the Shechinah

The Shechinah has been in Galus for so long

Maybe this year I will finally understand the pain

The sorrow is real even if its not understood

The pain of not knowing if I will ever have children of my own

The yearning and longing for a baby to cradle in my arms

If only the yearning for the Mashiach was as strong and as real

If only I could conceptualize what it will be like with a Beis Hamikdash

The sadness of knowing that my husband has had his hopes dashed too

We are in it together we all say

Yet it feels like my fault

Just like I waited seven years for my husband I will wait for a baby