Doubt

Sometimes I cannot help but wonder if it’s all my fault, did I not take care of myself properly

Really ה” is in charge, but it is so hard to step back and say this is meant to be

Do I not do enough histhadlus in my life

Do I not cry enough

Do I not daven hard enough

What does ה want from me, I ask and I cry out what do you want from me

He wants me to daven harder, yet it is so hard for me!

I want to be a better Jew, I want a better connection with ה,

if only so that he will consider me worthy of being a mother

I hope that my children will be good Jews

The waiting, the hoping and the wondering, will it be this time

It is so hard to be B’samech and to keep on as we wait and we wonder

Did we get the timing right this time, will it be successful?

As I look around me, I see everyone has their own nisyaons,

Those special families with children who have disabilities, scare me

I am scared I want a child so badly but I do not think that I have the strength to have one who has special needs, I do not want that nisyaon

I wonder is it time to talk about adoption; or is it to soon

I want so badly to be an Ima, but I wonder if I am really ready

I can’t help but feel its all my fault,

I want so badly but maybe I don’t need

Who am I to judge ה, has a plan

I wish I could see and know the end result

Even though it's only been three full year’s it seems so much longer

Every time I take a step forward it feels like I take two steps back

I don’t mean to come off as negative, for I am truly blessed

I am happy, I have an incredible husband, I have a beautiful marriage

Yet I yearn, I yearn for a child

Dina Weber, guest blogger